Republished from MOVE Magazine
Brandon Foster: Yo, America.
BF: Not sure if you’ve noticed, but it’s Nov. 11.
USA: Of course I’ve noticed. Eleven-eleven-eleven!
BF: Oh, so you’re observing Veterans Day?
USA: What? Oh yeah, Veterans Day. Of course.
BF: Anyway… not sure if you remember, but it’s only been 11 days since Halloween. What’s with all the Christmas decs?
BF: Yeah, that. Why are you already airing Christmas commercials? I can’t even go to JC Penney’s or the bookstore without getting bombarded by trees, lights and garland.
BF: I thought you said you were gonna cooperate with this interview…
USA: Sorry. I’m 235 years old. Gimme a break.
BF: Fine. But seriously, what ever happened to Christmas beginning the day after Thanksgiving?
USA: The day after what?
BF: Thanksgiving. You know… Pilgrims, turkey, parades?
USA: Not ringing any bells.
BF: Oh, come on. The third Thursday of November?
USA: Why in the name of King George would I wanna wait that long to put up Christmas decorations?
BF: Because you’re completely ignoring the utterly fantastic holiday that is Thanksgiving by starting the Christmas season so soon.
USA: But. But. But. I just can’t wait that long for my Christmas music. Maybe if Thanksgiving had its own music, it would actually Constitute grabbing my attention.
BF: What are you talking about? What about “10 Little Indians” or that song Adam Sandler did on SNL? [Adam Sandler singing voice] “A turkey for me, a turkey for you. Let’s eat turkey in a big brown shoe…”
USA: Three words: Jack and Jill.
BF: Well what about Fall Out Boy’s “Thnks fr th Mmrs” or the theme to the Golden Girls or “Kind and Generous” by Natalie Merchant? You know: “I’m bound to thank you for it. Na na na na na na na…”
USA: I miss the ’90s as much as any other bankrupt country, but you’re gonna have to come up with some fresh, new content if you really wanna sell me on Thanksgiving.
BF: All right. Here goes nothing.
“A-maize-ing Grace” by Akorn: Ready to dig in? Not before saying grace, you’re not. Don’t worry, they’re not all this corny.
“Are You Gonna Be My Squaw?” by Local Natives: This is the song for her. The one with the feathers in her hair and that girl-next-teepee look. Go get ’em, cowboy. Er, Indian.
“Last Thursday Night (T.G.I.T.)” by The Grateful Reds: “Yeah, we ate off tabletops and we took too many shots. At deer.”
“(Native) American Pie” by The John Smiths: Nothing says Thanksgiving quite like pie. And nothing says Thanksgiving music quite like an eight-minute ode to pumpkin, mincemeat, pecan and the like.
“Plymouth Rock Anthem” by LMFAP (Leave My Family Alone, Pilgrims): Tribal chants are so 17th Century. Your entire family will be shufflin’ ’round the dinner table this Thanksgiving.
I can go all day, America (“I Yam… Sasha Fierce.”) Now, show some respect.